Why Is It So Hard For Addicts To Ask For Help?

Sometimes reaching out to others can be such a hard task, But Why? Why do my brain and body fight back when I know I need to reach out for help? I have friends in active addiction and I just ask myself, Why won’t they ask for help? Looking back on my own addiction, and even during recovery, I still have a hard time asking for help.

Asking another person for help is an uncomfortable thing to do. It involves being vulnerable and admitting we can’t handle a situation on our own. Society is all about getting things done and being independent. There is nothing wrong with trying to accomplish things ourselves but we need to know when the situation is more than we can handle. Setting our pride and ego aside and asking for help is the single best step a person in active addiction can take. 

Why Is It So Hard For Addicts To Ask For Help?

The 5 factors that stop an addict from reaching out for help are:

1. Fear

2. Denial

3. Guilt/Shame

4. Lack Of Understanding

5. Societal Stigma Of Addiction 

A person who is in the center of their addiction will have an extremely hard time reaching out for help. They will avoid asking for help until the situation has spiraled out of control. I remember this very clearly during my addiction. I went through each one of these in my head. At the time I didn’t know that I was in denial or scared of change, I just made different excuses for why I didn’t need help. I knew I needed help, I knew people that could help me, but I would never ask.

1. Fear

Asking for help requires surrendering control to someone else. Just the thought of surrendering control can make many people feel uneasy. Addicts live in a constant state of anxiety, fear, and uncomfortably. The thought of asking for help almost immediately triggers additional anxiety in their mind. They fear hearing the answer “Yes I can help you”. This would mean changing every area of their lives. 

A person who uses drugs or alcohol every day multiple times a day develops a relationship with their substances. These substances become our lover. We get high on good days, bad days, days ending in Y, when we got a raise, if we get fired, if we’re tired, if were energetic. We will convince ourselves to get high for any and every reason known to man. Because of this, we fear a life without our substance, our best friend, our coping tool. We can’t imagine going through life without these things that give us a few minutes of pleasure.  To say that quitting drugs or alcohol is like losing a loved one is not an exaggeration. Our brains have literally become rewired and hijacked by this substance and it becomes part of our entire lives. The thought of losing it can be overwhelming. (source) 

They also fear hearing “No, I can’t help”. This makes the person feel less than and not worth the effort. The drug user will talk themselves out of asking for help, they will say things like “No one can help me” or “I’m not worth the effort”. This is self-sabotage at play. 

2. Denial

Denial and Fear are the 2 most common reasons people don’t ask for help. A person in denial of their addiction are typically at one of 2 stages:

• They don’t think they have a problem at all.

• They don’t think the problem is as bad as it is.

Denial is the hardest one on the list to deal with if you’re the family member or friend of an active drug user or alcoholic. Family and friends want their loved one to ask for help but how can that person ask for help if they don’t think they need help? Outside factors such as employment, finances, and relationships can contribute to the level of denial someone is in.

Many active alcoholics and drug users who still have a good job, decent family life, and normal relationship with their significant other, will not believe they have a problem. You might hear things like:

• How Can I have a problem? I work my ass off every day

• I haven’t missed a day of work in years and I’m never late

• I have a great family and everything is fine

• I have a house, car, and a job I’m not a bum, I don’t have a problem

Throughout my time in recovery, I have learned that our society places too much value on material things as a baseline for how bad a person’s addiction is. I went through this myself. I was in college, played college football, got good grades, and worked a part-time job. In my own mind and my family’s mind, I didn’t have a problem. On the outside, everything looked good. Appearances can be deceiving. During this period on the inside, I was dying, I was depressed, miserable, lonely, getting worse, and starting to isolate. (Why Do Addicts Isolate?)

3. Guilt/Shame

When a substance has control over you, you’re embarrassed, you’re ashamed, you feel weak, helpless, and often hopeless. When someone is feeling all these emotions it can be very hard for them to reach out and ask for help. As a person’s addiction progresses so will these emotions. They will start to feel increasingly ashamed and guilty daily.

Guilt and shame go hand-in-hand. Typically as one goes up so does the other. The drug user will start to cross boundaries and lines they never imagined they would. All of their “not yet’s” are starting to get crossed off. (What Are The “Not Yet’s”?). They feel guilty about the things they are doing for drugs. They never imagined a substance would lead them to this level of desperation.  This in turn leads to increasingly higher amounts of shame. Both of these feelings will isolate a person and hinder them from asking for help.

4. Lack of Understanding

Addiction is one of the most complicated diseases known to man. Even with the great advances we have had over the past 20-30 years, we still know very little about how addiction works. Because of this many people have a general lack of understanding about addiction. Some of the old mantras are still very strong today:

“I can and should be able to beat this with will power”

“I can’t ask for help, then I’m admitting this thing is stronger than me.”

This lack of understanding is not only with the person suffering but also family and friends. Someone struggling with addiction may be reluctant to reach out for help because they know their family won’t understand. This is where seeking professional help can help everyone involved. An addiction coach or certified recovery coach can help explain to both the user and their loved ones how addiction works and all the great possibilities for recovery. This leads right into number 5 Stigma of Addiction.

5. The Societal Stigma of Addiction

The most common reason people tell me they can’t go to rehab or reach out for help is they don’t want their job to find out. I completely understand this reasoning. No one wants to be the person who has to take 30-60-90 days off of work for rehab. We believe everyone will look at us differently, treat us differently, and view us as weak or less than. Unfortunately, this is true to an extent. Many people who have a lack of understanding about addiction may view us as weak of less than due to our addiction, but that’s their problem, not ours.

Many laws have been implemented in the US and other countries in the past 20 years to help protect people seeking help for addictions. In the U.S. The FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) protects people who need to take medical leave from their job. Substance use disorder is a medical condition. (Source)

I can’t control or change how others view me. One certain thing is the longer I let my addiction go without asking for help the worse it’s going to be for everyone involved, most of all for myself. This fear and worry about how society will view us is very real but also can be exacerbated in our heads. The sooner we realize that asking for help is the best possible thing we can do, the better off we will be.

It’s Ok To Be Vulnerable

The simple task of asking for help can make us feel vulnerable. I’m admitting I can’t do something on my own and I need others to help me. Putting my ego and pride aside and reaching out for help is one of the best decisions anyone struggling with addiction can make. 99% of people won’t be able to conquer their addiction on their own. Like any other disease, we need to reach out and ask for help from the medical community, our friends, and our families.

It doesn’t matter how bad your addiction is. Someone can relate to your story and help you. All of our stories are unique, but they all have commonalities as well.

Sources:

1. https://www.health.harvard.edu/newsletterarticle/how-addiction-hijacks-the-brain
2. https://www.dol.gov/general/topic/benefits-leave/fmla