Addiction can be described as a family disease and for good reason. If anyone in your family suffers from addiction than you probably know all too well the destruction that addiction leaves in its path. A person in the grips of addiction can cause damage to their loved ones in ways no one can prepare for. Many families and loved ones are left with difficult questions. Why did they steal from me? Why do they do this to their own families?The scientific community can answer questions with data, which is great, but they can’t tell you what an addict is thinking.
I don’t like to admit this, but I stole a lot of stuff from my family during my addiction. Money, jewelry, electronics, their peace of mind, just to name a few. I’ve also been with many other addicts when they stole from their loved ones. I don’t like to talk or think about the terrible things I did to my family and friends, but it’s something I had to face head-on when I got sober.
Why Do Addicts Steal From Family and Friends?
There is a lot of emotions and resentment involved with this question but the answer is actually fairly simple. When an addict is craving their next fix, they don’t think about who’s going to get hurt or the repercussions of their actions. The only thought in their mind is “I’m freaking out I need my next hit, what’s the closest and easiest thing I can steal to get money”. I felt terrible stealing from family and friends, but my next high was all that I cared about.
I knew in the back of my mind that I would be hurting the people closest to me, those that literally would give anything to see me doing well. At that moment in time, our brains (addicts) are in survival mode. According to Harvard Health “Just as cardiovascular disease damages the heart and diabetes impairs the pancreas, addiction hijacks the brain” (Source).
After repeated drug use a person’s brain becomes physically rewired to seek this chemical or behavior at any cost. The addict is now physically, mentally, and emotionally dependent on these drugs to function. From the outside, it may look like we are intentionally hurting our family and ourselves, but that is not what addicts are thinking at the time. We look for any way to get that next high, no matter what.
If we dig a little deeper many drug users know in the back of their mind that they have a better chance of getting away with stealing from a family member or friend than a stranger. I know I assumed that if my parents caught me stealing it would result in some terrible fights and mental pain, but they would most likely not call the police on me. I know my brain only thought about the short-term high when I was in active addiction.
All the former addicts I’ve spoken to about this question had pretty much the same answers:
” I assumed I had a better chance of getting away with stealing if it was someone I knew, or at least try to talk them out of calling the police, also I knew where everything was”.
Familiar Surroundings
Another reason addicts steal from those closest to them is they know the layout and what they’re looking for. If I break into a stranger’s home I don’t know the layout of the house or what valuables are inside (or lack of valuables). When I stole from family I knew the house and how it was set up, I knew their schedules, and I knew what valuables they had.
It’s terrible to talk like this but it’s true. More importantly, at a stranger’s house, someone could be waiting for me on the other side of the door with a gun or baseball bat. Sometimes it’s not even humans but dogs that could be waiting to greet me with a nice bite. I also knew that at the time my family didn’t have cameras or one of those camera doorbells.
Think about it… If I told you you needed 100$ or you would die, would you break into a random house or a house you knew? A house you knew had $100 laying around, and where that $100 was. Addicts’ brains are telling them they need to get high or they won’t function, they won’t survive, especially if they are in full-blown withdrawal. This article: “Why Can’t Addicts Just Stop Using Drugs?“will help clear up the question of why addicts can’t stop using drugs and why they keep craving more and more drugs during addiction.
Do Addicts Feel Bad When They Lie, Cheat, and Steal From Their Loved Ones?
Most addicts feel awful about stealing and lying to their families and friends. I know the shame and guilt I felt from all the damage I caused to my family actually propelled my drug use. I would steal from my family and get high, as soon as the drugs started to wear off and reality set in, I would begin to realize what I did and feel extremely guilty and shameful. This guilt would eat me up inside and I would go get high again to try and suppress the guilt, shame, and remorse. I’m not saying this to imply that addicts should be let off the hook, I’m simply explaining what was going through my mind during active addiction.
Every time I was about to do something wrong or bad to my loved ones I knew what I was doing and I felt extremely bad about doing it, but my addiction was pushing me forward.
I’m not making excuses for my bad behavior, or for any addicts’ behavior, but the pull of addiction is the most powerful force I have ever felt in my life. More days than not I would choose drugs over food and water. I went multiple days in a row without eating not because there wasn’t food, but because my brain and my body told me drugs were what I needed to survive. I literally thought I only needed one thing to survive…Drugs!
I use this analogy often and for good reason. In an addict’s mind when they are craving their drugs it’s a similar effect to how a diabetic feels when they need insulin.Now, of course, I know that if a diabetic doesn’t get their insulin they could go into a coma and die which is a whole different league than drug addiction, but its similar in multiple ways.When the drug starts to wear off for an addict our body and brain start to physically and mentally crave them. We go into withdrawal. We literally feel like we are going to die without more drugs. In most cases, a person won’t die if they don’t get their fix, but it sure feels like that. To get a sense of how awful heroin withdrawal is read this article:Heroin Detox: The First 30 Days.
What To Do If Your Loved One Is Stealing From You
If you catch you loved one stealing from you use it as a chance to confront them on their changing behavior and drug use. Try to get information out of them to see what drugs they’re using, how often they get high, what else have they stole, who else have they stole from, and anything else they will admit to. Try to get a read on how bad their addiction is. Hopefully, the person is at their Rock Bottom and is willing to go to a rehab or treatment program. I believe an addict needs to hit their “Rock Bottom” before they choose to get help. For more information on hitting rock bottom read this article: What Does It Mean To Hit Rock Bottom?
One thing I know for sure, if you let them get away with stealing from you without consequences, they will do it again and again. Every subsequent time will be worse than the previous one. Many family members (especially parents) think they are helping or saving the addict by not getting them in trouble or just letting them have the money so they can avoid going into withdrawal. This enabling approach will only prolonge the person’s drug use and drag out the misery. As the loved one of an addict you must know The Difference Between Helping and Enabling, it can be a grey area that many loved ones refuse to see until it’s too late.
Excuses, Excuses
If you catch a loved one in the act of stealing or confront them about stuff that’s missing, the person will most likely have multiple excuses. Some of these excuses will be:
“Don’t worry I’ll pay you back”
“I was just Borrowing this”
“Remember you said I could take this, you must have forgot”
“I have to take this or else I could go into withdrawal and die”
“In the past, I’ve let you borrow money”
“I owe bad people money”
“It wasn’t me. Someone else must have taken it”
Any and all of these excuses are ways for the addict to justify their behavior not only to you but in their own minds. The user is hyper-focused on getting the money and getting drugs and will say ANYTHING to get out of the situation. The drug user may try and flip the conversation and blame it on you, or try and make themselves out to be a victim. This is just another manipulation tactic. (Why Do Addicts Play The Victim?)
Protect Your Own Sanity
If you do catch or even think your loved one is stealing from you and using drugs, the most important thing you can do is protect yourself. As I stated in the beginning addiction is a family disease, not because of genetics (even though science shows there can be some genetics at play), because it causes a tornado of destruction for anyone involved. Don’t let an addict in your family destroy your life and your sanity. Work on your own health and peace of mind. My addiction affected my parents’ mood, attitudes, and lifestyle. They tried everything they could to get me clean and put their own health on the back burner during this time.
“No person or amount of money will get another person clean and sober, an addict has to want to get clean before they actually will”.
Please do not drive yourself mad trying to save the addict, you will not only destroy your own health and sanity, but it will do nothing to help the addict. I highly recommend Al-Anon and Nar-Anon for family and friends of addicts and alcoholics. Those programs will allow you to talk with people going through the same struggles, and how you can deal with it in a healthy manner. To find an Al-Anon meeting in your area click on this link:https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/.
Impossible To Comprehend
Family members of addicts often have an impossible time trying to comprehend why addicts continue using drugs. From the outside, you see your loved one destroying their life, and wonder why they would continue the same behavior. So many loved ones just can’t grasp it. If you are in this situation PLEASE make sure you take care of yourself. Make sure you keep your own health and sanity in order. If you let them the addict will destroy you too. I have seen addicts bring down entire families with the tornado of addiction that usually affects everyone around them.
If we look at crime stats in the united states its a clear picture that drugs fuel over a quarter of all crime. I would argue these numbers have only gone up since they were published in 2004.
In the 2004 Survey of Inmates in State and Federal Correctional Facilities, 32% of state prisoners and 26% of federal prisoners said they had committed their current offense while under the influence of drugs. Among state prisoners, drug offenders (44%) and property offenders (39%) reported the highest incidence of drug use at the time of the offense. Among federal prisoners, drug offenders (32%) and violent offenders (24%) were the most likely to report drug use at the time of their crimes. (source)
These stats only display a partial picture. Imagine if we look at all crime that has anything to do with drugs. These crimes would include stealing for drug money, drug deals, drug dealers fighting over turf, crimes committed while high, Etc. I would be willing to bet that over 50% of all crime in the US has something to do with drugs or alcohol. What’s most important is all these crimes have victims. Many times these victims are friends and families of the drug user. When a person is in the midst of addiction a huge number of people are impacted by their behavior.
No one thing or person can ever solve the problem of addiction. Drug use impacts millions of people on a daily basis. It’s going to take millions of people to help stem this issue.
Related Questions
How do I know if my loved one is using drugs or just mentally ill?
This is a very tough question. First, and foremost make sure you talk to a doctor or medical professional about the symptoms your seeing. Besides that look for the subtle differences. In my experience, mentally ill people will not have “clear hours”. Whole hours or days when they seem relatively normal. When an addict has plenty of money and drugs and they aren’t going into withdrawal. They will be high all day but besides that their actions and behaviors will seem relatively normal. The big thing to look for is an addict will look like they have the flu and leave for 30 minutes, come back and look great. This means they were in withdrawal and went and got some drugs. Again I’m not a doctor so check with your doctor. To see more symptoms of drug addicts check out this article: Signs Your Living With A Drug Addict.
My loved one is in recovery now, do I forgive them for all the damage they caused?
This is an unbelievable hard question. Unfortunately, I can’t give you the right answer because there is no right answer. Who was involved, how much they took, and the damage caused are factors that will affect people’s choices. I can tell you every person I have made amends to during my recovery has been very receptive and forgiving. They are all happy to see me doing well and want me to give back to the community and help other addicts to make up for the trouble I created. My personal opinion is to forgive because it helps both parties move on in their lives. BUT, just because you forgive them does not mean you let your guard down. Forgiving and trusting are totally different. My family forgave me, but it took a long time before people trusted me around money, or to watch their house when they went on vacation.
Kyle Ruggeri, CARC (Certified Addiction Recovery Coach) is a recovering addict/alcoholic. Kyle created Soberdogs Recovery as a way to get accurate and first-hand information about addiction and recovery out to the world. Kyle has been in recovery for over 5 years.
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