The Difference Between Helping and Enabling

It’s human nature to help our loved ones. When we see a family member or friend struggling our brain sends us a message saying “love them and help them”. Helping others releases oxytocin in our own brains which is a feel-good chemical associated with social bonding (Oxytocin-Psychology Today). When it comes to addiction that line between helping and enabling can get very blurry. Many people especially parents, often cross over that line and don’t realize what they are doing. A person who is in the depths of drug addiction will become a master manipulator to get their fix. An Addict’s brain literally goes into survival mode for more drugs. This causes the addict to constantly push their limits further and further to get high. When an addict pushes further and further, the people closest to them often get dragged along for the ride.

What is the difference between helping and enabling?

Helping and or supporting someone involves taking actions that move them further towards recovery. Typically helping involves doing something for someone else that they cannot do for themselves. Helping/supporting someone promotes positive choices and changes to their lifestyle. Enabling is when we consciously or unconsciously reinforce someones else negative behaviors. This allows the user to avoid taking responsibility for themselves. When we enable someone it often creates further divide and resentment between those involved. Enabling a person will not only reinforce and prolong the user’s destructive behaviors, but it will also negatively impact the enabler.

Love and Human Nature Is Hard To Change

Throughout my addiction my family especially my parents struggled with the difference between helping vs. enabling. At the beginning of my addiction, my family did not know any better because everyone (including myself) still thought this was just a faze and that I had it under control. In reality, we were all in denial. During this period I slowly became a master manipulator. I began checking off the boxes of the things I said I would Never Do.

I remember nights I would stop at my grandma’s and tell her I needed money for a flat tire, broken phone, food, anything that I thought would work. My grandma is an immigrant from Italy, she doesn’t understand addiction and I knew this. I used it to take advantage of her love. This is what makes enabling such a hard subject to speak with family about. To this day my grandma still thinks If she gave me money the night before I was arrested that I would never have gone to prison. I know that even if she gave me $1000 that night, within 2-3 days the money would be gone and I would still have done something to land me in jail. That night she made the right decision and said no you can’t have any more money. The next morning I was arrested and being arrested saved my life!!! Enabling just prolongs the process. 

Helping and Supporting

Addiction is an evil, nasty disease. No matter how much love and support an addict receives, the sad reality is that an addict will never get help until they are ready. I see this all the time with parents who send their child to dozens of expensive rehabs all around the country, and none of them “work”. It’s not that the rehab didn’t work, it’s that the addict has not reached rock bottom and is ready to receive help. If you have a loved one who is struggling with addiction there are things you can do to help and support without enabling them. Here are some ideas you can do to support the addict.

Helping and Supporting:

• Offer to take them to a meeting AA/NA/AL-Anon
• Offer to take them to church
• Go do some type of exercise together
• Do a positive activity outside – walk, run, nature hike
• Visit a soup kitchen or homeless shelter
• Volunteer at a charity or the local jail with the addict
• Set Positive boundaries
• Encourage positive actions and thoughts
• Encourage the addict to seek treatment
• Do not make excuses or cover for the addict
• Do activities that the addict used to love when they were sober.
  • I am a huge animal lover and so is my mom, during my active addiction my mom would ask me to go with her to the shelter or other animal activities. She knew I had a passion for animals and dogs. Even during my worst times in addiction, I would want to spend time with the dogs. She used this as a way for us to spend some time together and have a few hours of clarity to talk about the problem. 
• **Make Sure You Work On Yourself and Attend Meetings or Peer Groups That Are Designed For Family and Friends Of Addicts**

Enabling

Enabling often feels like the right decision to save a loved one from discomfort or pain, but it will only prolong the user’s negative behavior. The shift from helping to enabling is usually a gradual change, this is why it’s so hard for family and loved ones to notice it. Any action or behavior which reinforces the addict’s substance use is enabling. The key is to spot the difference between enabling and helping. Here are some of the signs and behaviors of an enabler:

• Allowing Drug Use- Family members may allow drug use at the home thinking that it’s safer to use at home. They may also believe that by letting the addict use it at home they can control the situation and keep them out of trouble. Even if you can stop the addict from getting into trouble by keeping them at home when they use drugs, you are adding gasoline onto the fire of their addiction. You are sending the signal that getting high/drunk is ok as long as you’re here at home.
• Denial-  Denial is one of the biggest signs to look for. When a loved one denies or avoids talking about the user’s behavior this is a red flag. When a family member is in denial they typically avoid talking about their own role in aiding the user or denial about how bad the situation really is. People in denial typically downplay how bad the situation is. This is an attempt to convince outsiders that everything is alright, but also to convince themselves that it’s not that bad.
• Assuming Responsibilities-  This category is really where helping vs. enabling is most prevalent. Family members may feel inclined to take over the regular duties and responsibilities of the addict in an effort to save them from losing complete control of their lives. By doing this what the enabler is actually doing is giving the addict permission to fully indulge in their drug use, without worrying about their responsibilities. If a spouse has to do all the housework because their partner is always high or hungover this is a red flag.
• Passing Blame-  Adopting negative attitudes toward substance users only pushes them away. Playing the blame game with an addict only pushes them further away from recovery. This also causes undue friction between members of the family who are all looking for someone or something to blame the drug use on. It is unbelievably hard not to get mad and frustrated at an addict who is destroying themselves and their family, but it’s necessary to keep yourself sane. You will spend every waking moment looking for someone or something to blame if you don’t get your thoughts in order.
• Controlling Behaviors- Trying to control an addict’s lifestyle is an impossible task. This will cause extreme mental and physical strain on the enabler. Attempting to control an addict’s lifestyle often pushes them even further away.  If you spend your energy trying to control someone whose brain is literally chemically hijacked you will be in a constant state of stress and dysfunction. Many times I remember my family trying to “control” my actions to save me from myself. During those times I didn’t hear or see anything they were doing. My brain and body would be in heroin withdrawal, and the only thing I heard was “You need more dope, You need to get high or you’ll be face first in the toilet all week”. 

• Minimizing or Justification- This is especially prevalent in early drug use. The family will tell themselves that this is just a phase and once the addict “grows up” they will stop using. The family will also justify a user’s behaviors to themselves and outsiders. For example, an enabler will say things like ” she had a stressful week at work” or “he went through a lot when he was a kid” or the most common “It’s not that bad he goes to work every day”. These types of behaviors send a message to the addict that the problem is not really that bad. It also sends a message to outsiders that you are in major denial about the situation. No one wants to admit that someone in their family is a junkie. On the flip side, minimizing or justifying it is equal to sticking your head in the sand and hoping for the best.
• Avoidance- Avoidance is a common tactic we all use to shield ourselves from pain, but it only makes the pain worse when the problem comes to light. Avoiding the hard conversations when it comes to a drug user gives them permission to continue their destructive behaviors. The hard questions and conversations are essential to getting to the root of someone’s use. If we constantly avoid the situation it will compound until someone reaches their breaking point. Most addicts have an underlying reason that causes them to use drugs. Getting down to the source of their problem is a great step towards recovery.

Resentment

The relationship between the enabler and the user often becomes strained. This is due to resentments held by both sides. The person who is using often views the enabler as less than. This is because they continue to push them further and further past their limits and get away with it. The user is a master manipulator (This does not mean they are a bad person). A person who is an enabler will lose respect for themselves. In many cases, they know what they are doing is not right, but they continue to do it.

A friend I spoke with recently was explaining how he buys his daughter Oxycontin pills illegally. I asked why and he said because if he doesn’t she will go into withdrawal. He also said if he doesn’t buy them she will prostitute herself for drug money. I tried to explain that her going into withdrawal is a good thing and she needs to feel that pain of opiate withdrawal. Also, I told him that even if he buys her 10 pills a day she will still prostitute herself. (By the way, Oxy pills are $80-100 per pill. A pill usually lasts 6-8 hours…You do the math). 

A week later a few hours after he bought her 2 pills she left the house. He took her phone that night and went through her texts. She went to meet 2 guys and have sex for drug money. Even with him buying her pills she still went and did the negative behavior. I do not have a daughter so I can’t imagine what a father would feel like, but this cycle of pain and enabling will continue on and on and on if he does not stop enabling her. This cycle will cause both of them to live a life of misery, stress, and dysfunction and will surely put both of them in an early grave. I saw this man at a meeting last week and he was speaking with other parents of addicts. This is a great first step towards him seeing his negative enabling behaviors. He recently cut his daughter off from money and stopped enabling her. Of course, she was pissed and tried to explain, justify, beg, and blame to get money but he stuck to his guns. I will report on the outcome the next time I speak with him.

Cycle Of Prolonged Use

Enabling can be a part of many people’s lives, not just drug addicts. When a parent swoops in to save the day every time their child gets in trouble this is a form of enabling. My parents did some of this with me throughout my brother and me throughout our teens and college. They did not enable me in regards to school or work, but when it came to getting in trouble they did.

It’s a very hard topic to talk with them about, to this day my father says he doesn’t know any other way but to offer help when I or my brother gets in trouble. Every cell in my parent’s bodies will do anything to help their children. Many parents are like this. To be fair many teens get in trouble and their parents help them, and they go on to live successful lives. But in my case, I learned that as long as I kept my grades up and worked a part-time job my parents would help bail me out of trouble. This allowed my use to thrive. I became a master manipulator. When my parents started attending NA meetings (Narcotics Anonymous) they began to see the difference between supporting and enabling.

” I would be doing them a disservice if I got involved in their addiction. Who am I to Stand in the way of them hitting rock bottom.”

-LMK  -Addiction Treatment Speaker

Codependent

According to dictionary.com Codependency is defined as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of illness or addiction. Many enablers are codependent people. They base their life and their image on being the person who is always there to help the user. Many co-dependent people literally make it their life mission to take care of others, specifically the user in their life. This is usually a gradual change that many enablers don’t even know they are doing until it’s too late. Taking care of others may sound good, but not when it’s enabling.

Those who habitually enable dysfunctional behavior are often referred to as co-dependent. It’s a telling word, because an enabler’s self-esteem is often dependent on his or her ability and willingness to “help” in inappropriate ways. This “help” allows the enabler to feel in control of an unmanageable situation. The reality, though, is that enabling not only doesn’t help, but it actively causes harm and makes the situation worse.

Karen Khaleghi Ph.D. — Psychology Today

Some signs to look for in a codependent relationship are:

• • Do you sacrifice time/money for the user on a regular basis?
  • Worry about others’ opinions of you and your family to the point of avoiding people?
  • Hide or cover up your user’s behaviors and actions?
  • Clean up the user’s mess?
  • Do you feel trapped or at the mercy of the user?
  • Are outside activities in your life being pushed aside to take care of the user?
  • Bail the user out over and over?
  • Valuing other’s opinions more than you value your own?

  • Do you feed off of others’ neediness, or devote all your energy to the user?

These are all signs of being in a codependent relationship. A certain person in my family who I will not name is a very codependent person. This person thought she could do everything for me and somehow it would cure my addiction. She would cover for me and clean up my mess. I took complete advantage of her love by allowing this to go on as it did. In the end, we both had major resentments towards each other because of how we tried to push the other person to be different. We have since cleared all the air from the past, but these behaviors can still linger.

It’s very important for parents and friends of addicts to make sure they do not revert back to enabling behaviors when an addict is in recovery. Just because someone is not using does not mean they are cured of everything. The behaviors of an addict will still come to the surface sometimes. This is also true for an enabler. If an addict goes to rehab or jail and comes home to the enabler doing the same behaviors, this can be devastating. The enabler needs to see their ways and change as well. We need to be on constant guard for old behaviors.

How Do I Stop Enabling and Start Helping?

• Take Care Of Yourself

  • • It is very common for people who are enablers or in a codependent relationship to let themselves go for the needs of the user. Do not let this happen. Make sure you take care of your own physical, mental, and emotional needs. Remember “You can’t help others until you help yourself”. Many people say that quote is selfish, but I can tell you from experience it is 100% true. If you don’t take care of your own body and mind what good are you to help others?

• Set Boundaries

  • • It is essential to set clear boundaries and stick to them. Addict needs to know that their actions are not ok and will not be tolerated. Make sure all family members are in agreement about the boundaries and that everyone is sticking to them. Someone who is in the grips of addiction does not fully comprehend their negative actions until they get sober and look back. Yes, they are conscious of their decisions but their brain is screaming at them 24/7 to get high, get high, get high. That is why boundaries are an absolute necessity.

• Attend Meetings

  • • The wonderful thing about the internet is how it allows us all to connect. There are peer groups and meetings all across the country for friends and family of addicts or alcoholics. Some of my family went to Nar-Anon (Narcotics Anonymous) Meetings during my use. These meetings allowed my family to meet others and see that they weren’t alone. It also allowed them to hear stories of how others coped with addiction and got through it. They still attend these meetings even though I am sober.

• Stop The Destructive Behaviors

  • • It is essential to stop any enabling or codependent behaviors immediately. This may be very hard but you have to for your own health and the addicts. If an addict says they need money or else they are going to withdrawl…let them withdrawl. Coming from a recovering addict I can tell you that going through withdrawal SUCKS, but it was a great lesson.
    • Addicts will say “If you don’t give me money I will commit a crime”. Female addicts may say “If you don’t give me money I’m gonna have to sell myself on the street”. The sad reality is if they even bring something like that up, then they are already doing that behavior behind your back. If you give them some money it’s not going to stop their behavior, it’s only going to drag it out. These destructive behaviors need to be stopped immediately.

• Seek Treatment (Both the user and the family)

  • • Treatment is great but it will not be effective until the user is ready. Do not try and force the user to go to treatment. This almost never works and only causes anger and resentment between family. Instead, keep encouraging treatment and speaking about it in a positive light. Also, outside therapies have been known to be effective in family issues. Just like the first bullet point make sure you take care of yourself!

• Reach Out To Peers

  • • Connecting with other friends and families who are going through similar struggles is an excellent way to cope with these stressful situations. It allows the family of an addict to not feel so alone in the world. The internet is filled with chat rooms, forums, and groups dedicated to connecting people with similar struggles. It just takes courage to take the first step and open up about your family struggles in front of a group. This may seem like an extremely scary thought but you will feel as if you dropped a load off of your chest and you won’t feel alone.

• Stop Bailing The Addict Out

  • •  When our loved ones get into trouble whether it be legal, work, or anything else we feel compelled to step in and bail them out. This is especially true with parents. This is the worst thing you can do for an addict. Do not bail them out of jail. Do not call in sick at work for them. Let them face the repercussions of their actions.
      • Letting your child sit in jail may feel like undue torture for them but I can assure you it is not. Jail was the best thing to happen to me. My parents will confirm that when I was in jail they actually felt more relief than when I was on the streets. They at least knew in jail that I wasn’t going to OD, and I had somewhere to sleep.

-Kyle R-

 I am not a medical professional. Consult your doctor before taking any medical actions.

Related Questions?

I’m stuck in a codependent relationship but I feel If I Leave or kick the user out they will self-destruct?  This is a tough situation. The addict will probably destruct if you kick them out. This is what they need in order to hit rock bottom. They will destruct at home as well it will just take longer. You have to make the tough choice of living a life of misery that will slowly kill both you and the user or take drastic action. Stop enabling and improve your life. Hopefully, the addict will see how their behavior is destroying loved ones and seek help. Often times we need to make the tough decision that may seem cruel but it is essential for the addict to hit Rock bottom and seek help.

Do addicts actually have to hit rock bottom in order to get sober? More often than not the answer is yes. There are cases of people who just decide to stop drinking or drugging, but that does not mean they didn’t hit rock bottom. Rock bottom is different for everyone. The common perception in society is rock bottom means Jail, rehab, or homeless. In 12 step programs, they talk about “high bottom” drunks and addicts. A high bottom means someone whose rock bottom wasn’t as severe as most others. Some people needed to go to prison for a decade to hit their rock bottom. A high-bottom addict may have got fired from a job and this was their rock bottom that caused them to seek help. So I believe everyone needs to hit rock bottom to seek help but rock bottom is different for every person.