How To Be Sober At A Party

Alcohol is often called a social lubricant. Yes, alcohol does lower our inhibitions and loosen’s us up, but for many of us, we don’t stop there. We continue to drink past that 2 drink point. Many times this resulted in multiple apology phone calls in the morning for some stupid crazy thing I did the night before.

Going out to normal social events like birthdays, holidays, or work dinners can be a very weird and uncomfortable feeling for someone sober. I experienced this many times. Learning what to say and how to socially mingle without alcohol is something that requires practice and patience.

How To Be Sober At A Party or Social Event

Going to social events as a non-drinker is not easy, but it gets easier with practice. Being prepared is the best thing you can do. Plan to get uncomfortable questions, especially if you’re newly sober. Plan an escape route, and have some support nearby. If there’s a friend or family member with you at the party, use them if you feel triggered. If you don’t have any sober support with you at the event, have a few numbers ready to call at any time if you feel like drinking.

Remember why you are sober. Remember all the good things that have come from being in recovery, this will help you fight the temptation to give in and have a drink. 

One of the best quotes I’ve ever heard about going places as a sober person is:

“IF YOU DON’T BELONG, DON’T BE LONG”

Throughout my recovery, I have been to many different social events with friends and family. Everything from small birthday parties to a destination wedding 3000 miles away from my home. When I use these tactics, it helps me get through these events positively and healthily. Most important of all is these tips have helped me stay sober.

Plan Ahead

The main mantra for 12-step programs is one day at a time but that doesn’t mean you can’t plan. If you know a social event is coming up and there will be drinking, talk to someone about it ahead of time. I always talk to a sober friend or my sponsor the day before. This may sound like overkill but I assure you it’s not. I take my sobriety very seriously and I will do whatever I need to to stay sober.

My sponsor and I made a plan for when I would be going to the event, roughly how long I would be staying, and he asked me to call him before, during, and after. Yea I know as an adult this is weird to ask another grown man to babysit me during a social event, but it’s essential to my recovery.  During my drinking and drug days, I would be at this same party and get stupid out of control drunk, make an ass out of myself, and have to make apology phone calls in the morning.

Instead of making 10 shameful, apologetic phone calls in the morning now I make 3 calls. 1 before, 1 during, and 1 after, with my sponsor. I can tell you from experience, making 3 sober calls to my sponsor is way better than 10 hungover apologies. 

Have An Escape Route

When I’m planning for a birthday, holiday, or an event with alcohol I always plan an escape route. I drive myself to these events and park somewhere that allows me to just leave without other people moving their cars.

If I’m carpooling with family or friends I let them know ahead of time to prepare for a different ride home if I leave early. This has caused a few discussions with family about wasting gas and taking 2 cars for no reason, but I always stick to my point. Now my family knows no matter how far or what the event I am driving myself, and they understand why.

If you don’t drive, plan your ride’s and be prepared to call an Uber if you feel triggered and want to leave early. Someone once asked me about the extra money it must cost to take Ubers home from all these parties and events because I always leave early. I laughed! Not at them, but at myself. During my drinking days, I wouldn’t think twice about running up a $200 tab at the bar and ordering 8$ shots, a $25 Uber to get home early and sober is nothing compared to my past expenses. 

Use Your Support System

In my opinion, there is no community like the recovery community. The people I have met in 12-step meetings, rehabs, and recovery events are the best most supportive people.

The Importance of Having A Support System In Sobriety 

When I had to put my best friend Morgan to sleep (my 14-year-old rotty lab mix) I had multiple people offer to come with me or come over after for support, every one of them from the recovery community. Just knowing I had all these people in my corner made the experience less painful.

When I have a big event I always call some of my sober support before the event just to chat and get my mindset in order. I also let them know where I’m going and see what they are doing during that time. One or two of them always say “I’ll be home or available call me anytime you need anything”.

The 100 Pound Phone

If you’re at a party and you feel uncomfortable, call, call, call. When I was only a few months sober my phone weighed 100lbs. It was so hard for me to pick up the phone and call someone when I was struggling. This is a common thing for many people in recovery. We don’t want to be a burden to others, we feel like we are being a bother, or being a complainer. This is not true at all.

Once I understood that I was not bothering these people and that when I called someone and told them I was struggling it actually helped them along with helping me, then it became much easier to dial. When I get a phone call from someone saying they’re struggling it’s a great reminder of what can happen and what will happen if I don’t keep my sobriety in order. It’s also a great way to give away and give back what was so freely given to me, love and support.

It Will Be Uncomfortable

It’s almost guaranteed at some point especially if you’re in early recovery, someone is going to ask you questions about why you aren’t drinking. Go into the event with a mindset of, Why Am I Sober?  Also, I mentally prepare for some uncomfortable questions and know they’re coming. I know every time I answer an awkward question I get mentally stronger for the next awkward question.

Because I was firm but polite the first few social events I attended during sobriety, most people got the message to not even ask me about a drink anymore. This makes it a lot easier. All my friends and family know I don’t drink anymore, so they offer me water or Pepsi.

Be Firm But Respectful With Your Answers

Some family members or friends might not know your sober, so they might ask to get you a beer or glass of wine. How you answer this is up to you, but I always have a standard response.

My response is blunt but respectful. I want people to know that I don’t drink, period. My standard response is “Thanks, But I Don’t Drink“. I say don’t drink instead of not drinking because if I say I’m not drinking it comes across like I normally drink but I’m just not drinking this night. I don’t want any ambiguity in my answer.

I’m very open with my family and friends about my sobriety, but you may not be and that’s fine. If you want to keep your sobriety low key or quiet then just prepare a response about why you’re not drinking. Remember you just need to get through this night. Don’t worry about the next birthday or holiday in 2 months, just worry about getting through this one night.

The Drunk Person

I was always the drunk guy at social events, but now that I’m sober I watch out for the other drunk guy or girl. Most parties have those people that have 1… or 7 more than they should have. These people are the ones that will offer you a drink 4 times throughout the night. They might even push you to have a drink after you told them NO. 

In most cases, I’m not rude because they might not know my situation and they’re just trying to liven up the party. But in certain cases, if someone who knows I’m in recovery keeps pushing me to “just have one” I will let them know to stop asking me to drink. Each consecutive time they ask, I answer with more force in my voice. 

Hopefully, they get the point. Usually, they’re getting drunker and drunker as the party goes on.  I’m not mad if they forgot what I told them, but I’m not going to keep hanging around them if they don’t get the message.

It’s Ok To Say No

One thing many people (definitely me) struggle with is saying no to friends and family. In recovery, I had to learn to say NO. Many social events and parties I was invited to I didn’t attend because I knew there would be a lot of drinking and parting. It’s ok to say no even it’s close friends or family members.

My family understands that if I relapse it will most likely lead to years of pain and misery for all of us. Explain to your family or friends that you don’t feel comfortable and you’re not going. If they keep pushing you, be firm in your reasoning, use concrete examples from the past.

Plan on people saying things like:

• Come on it’ll be fun
• You can have fun and not drink
• So many people are looking forward to seeing you
• You can just come for a little while
• You can be the DD that way you won’t want to drink
• I’ll leave whenever you want
• You have to come so and so is planning on you coming

In my experience, people who don’t struggle with alcoholism and addiction don’t understand what it’s like. Going to a party as a person in recovery is nothing like going to a party as a person who never drank. Some of my family always said things like “Grandma doesn’t drink and she’s fine”. Well, grandma never drank and isn’t an alcoholic like me.

We have to put our sobriety first. Anything I put ahead of my sobriety I will lose. My family and my friends understand and respect this so they understand when I say No.