Chelsea’s Story

Growing up in the small town of Livonia, NY, I found that outside of school, there really wasn’t much to do or entertain me. I grew up in a loving household and had a hard work ethic instilled into me as well as other strong values. Those are values that are still within my core today. I have a younger brother who I’m very close in age with and an older sister. My parents divorced when I was 7. Despite that, I still had what I would call a “normal” childhood. We weren’t rich and we weren’t poor. We were loved and taken care of. My brother and I spent time with both my mom and my dad after they separated.

My mom will tell you to this day that from a very early age I was always very independent, strong, stubborn, creative, and very loving with a big heart. Those parts of me started to get snuffed out from the first time I drank. I picked up my first drink and started smoking pot around the young age of 12-13 years old. I don’t recall the very first time I drank, but that was because I blacked out.

I had a really tight group of friends growing up. I truly cherish those memories with all of them. Back then my drinking and drugging just stemmed out of peer pressure, wanting to fit in and having fun. I had no tolerance for alcohol and would inevitably vomit and blackout every time I drank, but I loved the feeling. I couldn’t wait to do it again. From a young age, I can recall having an emptiness deep down inside of me. An emptiness that I never could understand until about 28 years old. My sexuality was always something I struggled with early on. At that time, I didn’t know that contributed to that empty feeling. I didn’t have the words to describe being gay. I really didn’t know anything about it or had anyone to talk to.

My drinking progressed in high school from getting alcohol on occasion, to drinking and partying every weekend I had the chance to. I loved nothing more than letting loose, quieting my mind, and laughing and having a good time with friends. I had very minimal consequences at this point. I was always an excellent student and really took pride in my art. I loved the way drinking made me feel, no matter how sick I got. Drinking served a purpose at that time in my life. It brought me out of my comfort zone, it helped me fit in, it helped me make friends.

When I was about 17, my dad decided that he no longer wanted to take care of my brother and me. As teenagers, we both naturally wanted to spend more time with our friends instead of with mom and dad. He abandoned us for reasons unknown to this day. This was a huge devastation in my life. Trauma.

I left home and moved into the dorms at MCC. I was finally free to do whatever I wanted when I wanted without having to lie to my parents anymore. Things started to go downhill from that moment on. I still considered my drinking a fun time. I was the life of the party! (or so I thought…). My grades suffered terribly my first semester.  I took every opportunity I could to party. My drinking was always surrounded by other people and “fun.” All I wanted to do was make more friends and party. I was impulsive. I did whatever I could to fit in.

At this point in my life, I was starting to accept the fact that I was gay. I found myself being promiscuous with men when I was intoxicated which added to my struggles with my sexuality. I would wake up the next day with guilt, shame, regret and extreme disgust for myself. I was struggling to figure out who I was…I was losing myself and I wasn’t even aware of it.

While on one of my breaks home from school, I put my car into a ditch on a night of drinking and getting high. This was the start of more serious consequences. The officer had me do the field sobriety tests and then had a DWI written up for me. I don’t have an explanation why, but by the grace of God, that officer changed his mind and revoked the DWI and I received several minor traffic tickets instead. From that moment on, I thought I was invincible and continued to drink and drive for years.

Up to this point, I still had very few consequences. I surrounded myself with people in college who drank the way I did. I assumed that was how everyone did college. I never saw the way I was living as a problem. Being under the influence of any substance kept me in a fog and didn’t allow me to see anything in my life for what it really was. It kept me in the dark. The consequences really started to grow internally with my mental health.

I went off to school in Laguna Beach CA to continue my education in graphic design. Things were probably the calmest at that point in my life, but that didn’t last very long. I finished one semester and came back home to visit on my break. I never went back. I stayed because of a relationship. Women were one more addiction that I found to fill that emptiness inside of me. That was the start of my early twenties and kicked off the tornado that would become my life. Toxic relationships, moving apartments, drama, chaos, black out-binge drinking, fighting, lying, cheating, hangovers, alcohol withdrawal, bars, and strip clubs, among a multitude of other behaviors.

I was going nowhere. I gave up on school. I gave up on me. I was getting more and more lost in my life. My depression grew and when it was at its lowest, I was constantly attacked with suicidal thoughts.

I led a double life, ever since I started drinking. There was my family who saw me one way, saw the good in me and never ever knew I was drinking or struggling. Then there was the other part of me…the alcoholic and addict with mental health issues and anger deep inside of me. Not many people saw much deeper than the party girl because I wore a mask. I wore it well. I kept everything on the external looking good. No one saw the darkness underneath unless I was in a blackout and you could see that darkness in my eyes.

I don’t know at what point I crossed over that line of no longer having fun, but my anger and rage deep inside of me started to come out more and more when I drank. Into my mid to late twenties, alcohol was no longer working for me the way it was supposed to. It was one extreme to the next. I was completely lost. Everything good inside of me including my dreams and goals were completely robbed by alcohol and drugs.

Towards the end of my 15-year drinking career (I’m not even 30 yet folks…) I found cocaine. It started out as just doing it when it was around. It progressed to spending my time with an older guy “friend” because he supplied me with coke. Coke allowed me to stay up drinking all night without blacking out. I was doing things with him that I was once again, not comfortable with, all because he had drugs that I wanted. I was past the point of shame and guilt. Internally I was completely shut down. I was numb to everything.

I couldn’t stand living that way. I genuinely did not care if I woke up the next day. That was my disease. I was no longer having fun. I wasn’t living. I was dead on the inside and still kept that mask up.

I found help eventually. I wasn’t seeking treatment for my substance use, but it found me. My recovery journey began just before I turned 27. I had no idea that my life was headed in that direction. It just kind of happened. Today I know that those string of events was my higher power saving me.

Through a lot of time in outpatient services, working the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and completely changing people, places, and things, my life slowly, but surely, started to turn around for the better. I have had my struggles in sobriety too. Putting down the alcohol and cocaine wasn’t enough. I had to take off my mask and start doing some internal work.

For a while, into sobriety, I was still missing something. That hole in my soul was slowly being filled with positivity but it was still lacking. I was resentful getting sober so young. I thought my life was over. I was still bar hopping for months when I first got sober! White knuckling it! I had no clue what to do with my life. Partying was all I knew. I needed people my age in recovery. Through outpatient, I was introduced to ROCovery Fitness. A sober living community whose mission is to create a healthy environment in recovery…through fitness and connection. I found my home. I found that missing piece I was longing for my entire life. Great article on finding your passion in life that helped me: How To Find Your Passion In Recovery

Today I have recently gotten the opportunity to work full time with ROCovery and am working on my peer certification so that I can help others just like me. I’m in the best shape of my life and get to spend every day at the center in Rochester, connecting and playing with the doggies here! I cannot have dogs of my own because of where I live, but I am looking forward to adopting when I have a home of my own! There is something so special and fulfilling to work out with other people in recovery, to grow, and laugh, and roll around on the floor getting doggie kisses while doing pushups! I’m surrounded by love and support. I’m building real relationships with my family. My dad is not in my life still but I’m able to have forgiveness and compassion for him today. I have received so many amazing gifts of sobriety. Life is not always easy, but I truly wouldn’t trade my best day drunk for my worst day sober.

I am a person in long term recovery. I am not my disease. It does not define me. Recovery is possible.

Chelsea is a true inspiration and a true Soberdog!!

 

 

 

For more info on Rocovery and all the wonderful activities and help they offer check out their website: www.rocoveryfitness.org